BasketBrawl, FantasyLand, and a River called Denial...

Seriously -- someone please step in and help Ron Artest

"I have been trying to make a big effort to change the image of the league. That's not the image that David Stern wants to put forth. I have this album coming out. It's positive. It's about love. It's not rap or hard core. I am trying to do nice things."

Yep. You changed it, alright.

"I think that I never harmed anybody. That's really important. You don't want to harm anybody. And all of these suspensions, I am glad that nobody was hurt."

...other than the guy that was clocked by the chair.

It's one thing to lose your credibility by being silly. It's another to lose it by being so factually wrong as to appear to live in an alternate reality.

Matt Lauer: "At any point during this melee in the stands and back on the floor fighting with another fan, did it pop into your mind: I have crossed the line here? I am way over the line?"

Ron Artest: "I think the tape speaks for itself. I think if you watch everything on the tape, you will be able to answer that. All I can say is I am trying to stay positive. That's all I can do."

...until Ticketmaster starts selling out my world tour.

Artest needs a PR intervention. Badly.

The guy who threw the cup (John Green) also needs a little help. It's clear he's got a lawyer crafting his statements:

"The cup got hurled from the general vicinity of where I was sitting. He [Artest] looked up. We were shocked that the cup hit him. … He looked up at us and started charging up there. It was pretty shocking. I didn't know what to think."

Gee, "the general vicinity of where I was sitting." His hand just happened to also be in that general vicinity. Purely circumstantial.

His attorney (Shawn Patrick Smith) is really building a credible defense:

"The video is clear about what happens. I suggest anybody who wants to look at the video, there's questions involved in what the intent was. John is saying, look at the video. The video speaks for itself."

...and that video says -- GUILTY! So why not own up to it? Be a standup guy. The entire Western Hemisphere saw you do it.